It's brown. My grass. Shredded wheat. Less than a month ago, my back garden was as lush as the quad of an Oxford college, beautifully presented — plus I'd invested in a posh hosepipe from Yarnton Nurseries. It's not their fault, Yarnton Nurseries, but no sooner had I got the hose back to my Kidlington bungalow than it became an offence to use it! My innocent new hosepipe, with its numerous attachments, remains wrapped in cellophane with no current prospect for its early release. Also, back then, I'd planned to finish things off by planting a small footnote in my garden; I'd imagined the sign engraved in brass, mounted on an oak surround, sporting the words: 'Keep off the lawn.' But now, well, look at it. My grass is brown and crispy.

'As new. Unused.' — I've begun to draft an advert, but I've not yet uploaded a photo of my new hosepipe to eBay. I wonder, would that even be legal as things stand? Would I be abetting a crime? But all will be well. The grass of greater Oxford knows a thing or two. It's all about dormancy, it seems: the roots remain alive underground. According to the Royal Horticultural Society, you can often just wait for rain rather than spending precious tap water on a dormant lawn.